Tuesday, January 29, 2008

Wiped Out

I'm officially exhausted today. Sunday was crazy busy as I: did laundry, rehearsed with my sis-in-law and niece (we played as 2 vln/cello trio at the funeral yesterday), did my own practicing on Ein Heldenleben (damn you, Strauss) and for the funeral (did a solo, too), prepared for cello sectionals on Sunday night, prepared clothes for the funeral, washed & filled the truck, went to rehearsal.... etc. etc. Up way too late, and then up bright and early yesterday to get down to New Ulm by 9AM.

The funeral was nice. They really kept things moving, which I appreciated. I had mixed emotions about playing at the service. I know it made my mom happy, so I never would have refused, but it really complicated an already busy time, and frankly would have rather been able to just sit through the service with my family rather than jump up and down do play. I was doing really well through the service emotionally. I had an inner monologue along the lines of, "It's just another gig. You don't know these people." So I held it together and the playing went well, and I finished my solo and completely lost it. Kind of surprised me, actually.

Last night I was again up way too late, but just for psycho pregnant-woman reasons. Every now and again since I've been pregnant I just get these emotional jags where I am overwhelmed with worry about Kate. All I can do is think about how much I love her and am just crippled with this terror that something might happen to her and that I don't know if I could survive that and how on earth will I be able to function when there is a second little being that I love this much?? Fun, huh? It only happens when Kate is sleeping, and it's always gone when I wake up in the morning. I'm very much hoping this goes away when this baby comes.

So today I am pooped. Pete's sister is coming over for dinner and I'm moving in sloooow motion (thank god for crock pot recipes). I have a to-do list as long as my arm, but I think I'm just going to let most of it go until tomorrow.

An interesting preview to what my sleep-deprived life with a newborn will be like.

On the plus side, my darling girl just pulled up a chair next to me and proclaimed, "I'm so CUTE, Mama!" Hmmm, think she hears that too often?


carrster said...

Oh Laurie - I'm so sorry (again) about your Grandma. It was very sweet & wonderful of you to play at the funeral. I'm not sure I could've done it!!

On another note - Kate IS so cute. :)

Meigan said...

I remember having some of those same pregnancy feelings with Natalie. What helped was taking Gillian out for a couple of "Mom & Me" outings before Natalie was born. We took lots of pictures of those days, too.

I think it was more for me than for her - I just wanted to enjoy our last few months "alone".

Holly said...

It's what Pete and I call my Witching Hour. As your resident insomniac on staff I can empathize 100% with these damn ruminations late at night (read early in the morning!).

My insomnia doctors taught me a couple of tricks. Not sure if it will help and you can chose to do with them what you wish:

1. if you are in bed ruminating for more than 15 minutes get up and go to a space in your house where you can be at peace (my living room). someone recommended that being my meditation space. haven't gotten to meditating yet but i do find i 'break' some of the cycle when i go into my calm space. on really bad nights i would play a yoga cd or something with meditative music and work to relax my body by pushing the thoughts out. It doesn't work for me all the time but this way I don't associate the negative energy I am feeling with my bedroom or our bed.

2. turn your clock around so you don't look at the time (how are you supposed to know when it's been 15 mins you ask - just guess they tell me!).