Friday, February 6, 2009

I think I'll go eat worms

One of the more surprising things I've discovered about being a SAHM in a rather private neighborhood is that it's a LOT like high school...

...except for the big group of friends I had.

There are two other girls Kate's age in the neighborhood. A couple weeks ago one of their moms emailed me and said they were going to trade off at their houses each week for playdates (drop-your-kid-off playdates, not come-in-for-a-cuppa playdates). She said Kate was welcome to stop in whenever we wanted. Kindof a backhanded invite, but I thought I'd take it, for Kate's sake. Kate has swimming lessons which would keep her from being able to stay the whole time, but I said I'd be happy to join in on the hosting rotation once those were done. Kind of got brushed off, but didn't let it get to me.

Yesterday, I dropped Kate off there for a little bit and mentioned to the other mom that I'd be happy to reciprocate on a rotation. Blank stare. Followed by some mumbling and a sort of "well, we can see about that." I know a brush off when I get one.

I must admit myself a bit stung. I mean, do they not trust me with their kids? True, I don't know them super well, but I've lived 4 houses away for 7 years. If I was truly psycho, perhaps they'd have figured that out by now? I haven't screwed Kate up too much yet, doesn't that indicate that maybe I'm an OK mom?

Then today, I drive by one of their houses (since I'm on a cul-de-sac, I can't help but drive past everyone) and see the cars of pretty much ALL the SAHMs in the neighborhood in front of her house. Now, true, perhaps there was some perfectly sensible reason they were all together and I was not included. But that's far too forgiving an attitude for how I'm feeling this week.

I give up. I am SO OVER trying to "fit in" with these women, when I clearly do not. Most of them seem very nice on their own, but I am pretty obviously the square peg, as I have almost always been in my life. So I'm done. I won't avoid them, I'll be happy to see them and chat with them, but I'm letting go of caring whether or not they like me.

I feel so liberated.


Anonymous said...

First you eat the big ones, then you eat the little ones...

Women....ya know?

Your male friends will at least tell you when you've pissed them off. In some ways, perhaps because of your background in an uber-geek culture you may be more compatible when some males are around. I can attest from being a SAHD for a while that we could use and would appreciate the companionship - the SAHMs ignore us even more.

Or you could borrow a friend's violin (don't worry - I won't tell) and play a high C with harmonics near their windows and not tell them what shattered it.

Cellomama said...

It's funny you should say that - because I've always made friends with men more easily than women.

I think being a SAHD would be really difficult just for those reasons - kudos to you for doing it!!

Meigan said...

I'd gladly ship you my violin for the task!

It's their loss. Meanies. If it's any consolation, my DH went through a lot of sour apples till he found some great at-home parents to hang with.

Kate said...

I am continually amazed at how awful people are to each other anymore. I mean - seriously. How is it that people get that way? What goes on in their head that makes them treat people badly without even knowing them? I'm through trying to figure it out and good for you for giving up on trying. It's liberating, for sure.

carrster said...

Good lord. Whatever. People need to get over themselves. But I know how you feel and I would be probably hurt by their behavior too. I'm glad that you're feeling liberated! You can find your own friends & Kate can find hers and all will be right with the world.

I feel the same way at ECFE. I thought for sure I would bond with some of the other mothers but I feel TOTALLY like the odd woman out. I don't get it.

Anonymous said...

What's even sadder is that even if the offending parties read the post, they probably wouldn't have recognized themselves.

Cellomama said...

Actually, I'm afraid there's a good chance they would recognize themselves - it's not a big neighborhood. I used to have my blog url on Facebook, but took it off awhile ago. Here's hoping these neighborhood gals didn't ever notice it.

I do think they are really nice women - we are just different people. And they are kind of clique-ish and don't realize it.

At least, that's what I'm feeling today. Today is a more generous day. :-)

onesontwocats said...

Hi Cello Mama, I just picked up my cello after 25 years (has it really been that long?--longer?) I just dropped my 16 year old son off for his viola lesson and had a few minutes and I doing some research on my bow (Emile Dupree) and cello (Mi-Fi or Fi-Mi?) and I came across your blog. My favorite pieces are the Bach cello suites. My little finger locks up and has no strength. I am so glad to know that there are other Cello Moma's out there.